Why Now?

Why Now?

Last October, Chad and I were watching TV, when an add came up. It Air New Zealand offering amazing deals on overseas flights. Like REALLY good.

I ignored the add the first time.

Then it came up again. And again. And again.

By about the 7th time I saw it, Chad clicked on. "You should look them up" he said.

At this time, I was about 5 months pregnant with our second child. I figured that the deals they had on would be for travelling that year, and so no way we could do it. I would still be pregnant, or the baby would be too young. To my surprise, they were up until October the next year, 2012.

The deal was so good that we could afford two tickets. But this would mean leaving the kids. Would we know anyone who could look after them? Debbie is a wonderful 'Nana' but surely that would be too much for her? Another surprise for us- she was keen as! "Think of it as the honeymoon you never really got to have" she said.

Ok so we had someone to leave them with, but could we do it? Leave them? Estimating a date of my birthday (end of August) to travel, Charli-Rose would be almost 4 years old- old enough to understand that we were only going to be gone for awhile- and Lilabelle would be 6 1/2 months- young enough not to really notice, but old enough to be sleeping through the night and other things that would make it easier for Debbie.

Basically, we just kept going through each step, at each stage thinking 'This is too good to be true!', thinking something would come up that would make it a deal breaker. It didn't happen.

10 days after seeing that first add, we booked our flights!!!

***

So that's why the timing was good. There were also other reasons we did it.

Having been through such a rough time with PND after Charli-Rose was born, there was a high risk of going through the same sort of thing again. Knowing that getting away from it all was the major thing that helped my recovery with Charli, I thought it was actually good timing. If I did get PND again, I would have 6 months to try my best to get through it and if nothing had worked, then we would have this trip to look forward to, and as something we hoped would make it better.
 (Not that we thought we'd go through PND again...)

As I was quite young when I got pregnant with Charli-Rose, I never finished my study. I never had a 'real' job or did a lot of the things that my friends who were my age were doing. Don't get me wrong, I didn't mind putting all that stuff on hold. Being a mum, even with PND, was amazing and I loved it.

However as she grew older, I found I was doubting myself. It's one thing in this day and age to tell my girls "You can do anything you want! Being a woman doesn't have to hold you back!" yet most teenage/young mothers DO have to put their dreams aside. And sometimes as time goes on, you get busy with paying the bills, and family life, those dreams get put aside until it's too late.

In September 2009, one of my best friends dropped dead. It was very sudden. Rachael and I were very close and had shared our dreams as we grew up. It breaks my heart a little to think that now she will never, ever get to do them.

Life's too short. You never know what's around the corner. 

RIP Rachael Young xoxo

Part of the reason that I got PND and PTSD was because of some traumatic stuff that happened when I was a kid. The effects that that had on me were huge (though I only realise that now, looking back) and totally not fair. Why should my life be less than what it could be, because of something a selfish, hurtful, very sick man did? I refuse to have any regrets or let anything hold me back. Yea I've been through hell but I'm gonna keep going!

To be doing this, actually going on our trip...it's amazing. Who would have ever thought that someone like me, or Chad, would end up going overseas and seeing the world??? It's inspiring. :-)

We have had a few (major) bumps along the way. After our gorgeous Lilabelle was born, it was clear within hours that I was going to struggle again.

She is a wonderful wee thing, but had severe reflux. She still has not slept through the night, and often wakes over 6 times (which is quite a lot for a baby this age).

Lilabelle and I have spent a long while in the mothers and babies unit again, where I have had to face the demons of my past. There's been a lot of ups and downs. Up until this week, we weren't even sure if we'd be able to go (neither were the team of people looking after me.)

However we have decided to go for it. It's not an opportunity that's gonna happen for us again. We've put so much into it; financially, emotionally, many hours planning- and it would be heart breaking for it all to be for nothing.

As I am still unwell with PTSD, our trip will be different than I thought. Rather than an intense tour of the United States, spending every hour of the day that we can seeing everything that's possible to squeeze in, we will be taking it a bit easier. Sleep, rest, eating well, not getting too anxious...that's all important.

I'm still hoping that this trip will be a help, mental health wise. If it doesn't...well we'll deal with that when we get back. But as one of the doctors at the Unit said "This could be a really positive life experience for you" and I'm believing that :-)

Chad is a man of few words, hence I'm probably the one who's gonna do the most blogging. He is really looking forward to it too. It's stressful being the partner of someone with PTSD and our first 6 months as a family of four has been vastly different than we planned. He's really looking forwards to some R & R, as well as some awesome adventures.

He also knows how much this trip means to me and is glad to be sharing it with me :-)

Can't wait!!!

- Amelia